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WellRed
BY WEB EDITOR KARSEN PRICE
 Ode To Old-Timey Antiperspirants
Whatever happened to old-fashioned stick antiperspirants? You know, the kind that was like a bar of soap swaddled in plastic? All you did was swipe under each arm and leave the house, knowing you would be sweat-free, odor-free for the next 12 or so hours.
They apparently don’t make that kind of antiperspirant anymore.
The reason I know this is, I recently ran out. (I swear, I cannot remember the last time I bought antiperspirant.) Luckily, I found another one in the drawer, buried under my husband’s obnoxious Q-Tips (I hate those things; they always spill out, not to mention my husband can never manage to get the used ones in the trashcan, despite being adept at throwing a fast, curve and knuckle ball). I whipped out this new antiperspirant, decorated with a sprinkling of purple flowers, only to find that it wasn’t an antiperspirant. It was an oozing, dripping gel-contraption with slots across the top that slathered me with too much product that took 10 minutes to dry and didn’t keep me dry.
A rose by any other name may smell as sweet, but sweat is sweat is sweat — lavender-scented or not.
So I did what any self-respecting woman would. I threw that sucker in the trash. I went to my neighborhood Target, carefully selected a “conditioning solid” antiperspirant, got it home, and unwrapped it — only to find it was heavy on the conditioning, light on the solid. Honestly, it’s like swiping your underarms with a fistful of eye cream each morning. How can something that mushy and moisturizing keep me dry? It’s against the law of averages, or something like that.
Like every woman, I hate the way solid antiperspirants get on your clothes and leave those awful white streaks. It’s hard to be all business with white streaks on your blouse. But honestly, these “no streak” lotion versions aren’t any better, and I’m losing 10 minutes of my morning routine walking around like somebody’s got a gun in my back.
Worst of all, I think my under-eye area is getting jealous.
(Note: There were seven “antiperspirants” used in the making of this blog.)
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